I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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