I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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