I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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