Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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