So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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