Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
