What a fucking waste of an outfit
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
