Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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