the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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