Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
