So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
