I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
