my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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