Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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