Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
