You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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