just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
