I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I cockslap morals
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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