I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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