I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
