Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
A bitchslap is in order.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
