so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
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Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
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I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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