he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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