community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
