From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
