I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
