a queef is a wish your heart makes.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
