between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
