You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
