headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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