I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She just used a chaser for red wine.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
