Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
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