It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
