We're facebook friends in real life
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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