Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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