college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
