i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
