i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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