i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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