remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
All I want is dick and wine.
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