im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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