Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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