Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
