Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
