I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna