First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol