Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too