My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
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WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located