I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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