I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
