My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
