my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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