The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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