Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
