I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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