watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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