Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
