If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
