Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
