running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
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Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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