I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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