I will die if light touches me.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
